Nature of the beast

When is it OK to throw in the towel?  Over the last couple of years I've come to terms with myself that I am competitive when I know I am good at something.  Doing duathlons, I quickly size up people and within the first few minutes pick the people I am going to try to pick off.  I have this game in my head, that when it comes to the point to go around (in tri's and du's you have to be race legal, meaning no drafting, so if you pass you have to commit to get ahead) I WILL NOT let them pass again, no matter how much I may suffer holding them off.  I have the ability to push myself, and have gained confidence in my body that through the training I've done I can with stand it!  It actually gets my motivation up at the start of a race when you say good luck to someone and they snarl at you, I think to myself "well then I plan to kick your a*# out there".  I pride myself on the fact that weather doesn't stop me.

I am supposed to race/ride this weekend in what is said to be an "epic" ride, epic in the sense that its harder than most things you will ever do and when you finish it will be epic.  There are 100 people signed up, 5 women.  One of my best friends and I have been planning to do this for the last 5 weeks.  (Rick and her husband will be doing it too, but will be WAY ahead of us) .  The forecast for tomorrow is 32 degrees, 80% chance of rain starting the night before, and around 11am the wind gust will start.  This ride is 80 miles on dirt and gravel, I am prepared and ready for it, but do I want to be miserable for 6 hours?  It starts with a 17  miles of  climbing, what this means is if I were to wear rain gear (It doesn't breath), I would start to sweat climbing, and coming down the next 17 miles I would freeze.  My feet will be soaked, hands wet, bike muddy, knees aching from the cold.  At what point is this fun and worth it.  I am trying to be OK with NOT doing this, trying to tell myself OK so you paid $40, you have trained and are in the best bike shape you have ever been in, isn't that enough?  My friend and I had a long heart to heart. People are bailing on this and they are making a good argument for it, we need to be smart, not just competitive.....

It's Friday!

Busy is an understatement in the Hakensen house this week!  Thank goodness for a little help from family!  Monday came and we hit the ground running!  I typically get everything (workout, groceries, cleaning) done (or sometimes just put off for another day) before the kids are home from school.  We get homework done, have an early dinner and have a little down time before bed.  I need this as well!  This week Monday was the only day like that.  Tuesday Luke had a track meet at Eastmont, he runs the mile, the order is, hurdles, 100's, the mile and so on.  Great spot to be in the line up, except when there are 9 boy heats of 100's.  Lo, my sister and her kids, my parents and I sat in the cold and rain for over an hour and a half on Tuesday to watch Luke run for 5.5 minutes, he did AWESOME, but we were all chilled and soaked to the bone.  By the time that was done it was 5:30, Lo had to be at her school at 6:30 for her concert, so this meant picking up dinner in between, while trying to figure out how Luke was going to get from the high school (he has to ride the bus back).  Thank god for my parents!    They ran and brought Luke food (he was starving), then we all reconvened at the 20 minute choir concert!
Busy weeks like this I am really grateful for the support of my family.

Cal is my kids MOST loyal fan!

Had a park date on Wedneday, in between rain showers!

Now we're heading into Spring Break, gearing up for 4 days with out seeing my kids.  Meetings and dinner dates are scheduled!  Plan is to stay BUSY! 

FLOWERS AND SIPPY CUPS

well i have a ton of flowers from all my performance.i like rainbow.a weekend ago i babysat cal and ben we had a animal time with cal and ben.we took a sippy cup and animal adventure.please do not mind my hair i just woke up.
by the wonderful LOGAN(-:
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!!!

Workout 3/19-3/25

Monday19th- family dog walking.....3.5 miles (Rest day)

Tuesday 20th - 2 hours on the trainer

Wednesday 21st - 4.9 miles 38:53 (7:56 mm) felt good!

Thursday 22nd - 30 mile CX bike 2 hours (Cashmere, 1 Du hill)

Friday 23rd - 59 mile CX bike 4 hours 7 minutes (total time) (JM, Heights, Skyline, Fairview, American Fruit)

Saturday 24th - Batterman CX bike 1.5 hours

Sunday 25th - 1.5 hour trainer ride ( planned to run, but wanted to finish reading the Hunger Games before seeing it with Rick and the kids)

*This next week will be a taper because of the race Saturday. These weeks are THE hardest for me...did I do enough, did I do too much, questions I always ask myself! Good news is I'm no longer getting nervous with these things, just excited.
I have races the next 2 Saturdays then nothing until the first part of June....then taking the summer off to enjoy with the kids, something I am really looking forward too!

*Should be noted I am also playing volleyball on Sunday nights (this is worthy of a blog post, I'm afraid) we unfortunately lose too fast to even break a sweat....

Lucky Girl

Spending so much time on the bike the last couple of weeks I've had a lot of time to think.  I took yesterday off to ride while the kids were in school, 4 + hours alone on the bike can actually be quite blissful!
The conclusion:   I am enjoying my life!  Like I said in the last post I am enjoying being present for all the small things in my kids life, as well as their big moments.
There was also a shift in my thinking after an incident last weekend.  I've always walked a careful line of respect to my ex as the kids father, but I can't say the same has always been given to me, and it became clear.  I was upset at first, then realized it actually gave me a sense of peace to move forward.  My kids love their Dad, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but the reality is he only lived with Lo for 7 years of her life.  She has amazing memories I hope she cherishes from those years, but she has so much room in her heart for loving others also. 
We shared tonight with Rick,  so many things felt  right.  I'm fairly certain a year ago he wouldn't have thought he'd be watching a dance recital, and going to frozen yogurt after.  As I enjoy these moments with my kids, I get to enjoy them as first in Rick's life as well.  I love the balance of our life together.  We have our own independence, but we also have this great "family" life together.  I say family because he is so willing to accept my life with my kids.  They are with me almost everyday (no complaints there), so there's  little alone time but we enjoy any time spent together,  cooking dinner,  Friday movie nights at his house (where Lo insists he has the most comfortable couch, and causes her to fall asleep every time), sneaking out for a quick ride together, or even babysitting my nephews with us!  This is the life I love!
As we ended our evening tonight, Luke went to bed, I was telling Lo to wash her face and get her jammies on while I told Rick goodnight, but she was lingering.  Finally I asked if she needed help, nope she just wanted to tell Rick goodnight and give him a hug.  Can't tell you how much this warms my heart.  Later she and I talked about it in bed, she said how much she likes him, and how she loves how happy he makes me.  That girl is one smart little lady!

Quiet House

Just dropped Lo off at her dance dress rehearsal and waiting for Luke to call to get picked up.  Cleaning up around the house I see the bits and pieces of my kids life they have left scattered around.  I'm having a moment, I love these two personalities.  I also love that I get to pick them up and be with them everyday after school.  How some people take these moments of raising kids for granted is beyond me.  I go 1 day full day every other week without seeing them, but that's it.  I thank God everyday for that, because I can't imagine missing out on all these small moments of our day to day life.  I love providing a home for them.  And I have to say I think I may miss it a little when Luke can drive and no longer needs me to drive him around.......

A shot from Mary in October 2011

FAMILY CRAVINGS

well everyday after school my family has a snack time.we drink cocoa with 2 kinds of whip cream and sprinkles and captain crunch num nums .thats my cousin benetts way of saying mmmm mmmm good.i have never had captain crunch MOM walked in one day and said"i got a desert".me and my bro ripped the bag open and we saw captain crunch!!!!  she never buys the good cereal!
by the great :LOGAN  BELLA

Scenes from the Ride

This is what we did Saturday.....

And this is what I get to look forward to again in less two weeks

Monday Mondays

I love late start Mondays.  Nope they are not so convenient as far as work schedules, but I'm lucky enough to be self employed and schedule around.  I love our lazy start to the week!

7:30 wake up

Snuggles and breakfast

lounging and coffee (not sure why pics aren't rotating now)

workout 3/12-3/18

Monday 12th - 4.15 mile run

Tuesday 13th - 2.5 hours on CX bike (Eagle Rock, Du hill, Horse Lake, Skyline and wind), 1 hour Track workout....wind

Wednesday 14th - REST

Thursday 15th - 1 Hour CX bike, 20 minute run, 20 minute arms/core

Friday 16th - 2 hour 15 minutes CX bike Cashmere

Saturday 17th - 2 hours 50 minute CX gravel road Ephrata

Sunday 18th - 3 hour CX  ride Pinnacles

*When I am keeping a journal of workouts I sometimes take notes on the way I am feeling.  It has been a windy week, typical of spring riding around here.  But goodness after Tuesday's ride then track workout I was beat.  My quads were super tired on Thursday and Friday's ride.  I can't say I have ever trained this hard on my bike (let alone my cross bike) this early in the season.  My windows of time between work and when the kids get out of school are totally occupied on the bike.  By Friday, I really just wanted to jump back in the pool,  or get on my TT , but I am 2 weeks away from possibly the hardest race/ride I will ever do and this and next weeks mileage and hours on the bike count.  Saturday I had a break through.  Rick and I drove out to Ephrata and rode the first half of the course.  I have been specifically making myself ride things that are beyond my comfort zone in preparation for this course.  I am happy to say,  I have a peace of mind now.  It was long, and hard (riding on gravel/mud roads your watts are higher), but do able!  By Sunday I took off with a dear friend that I haven't been able to ride with in a while and thoroughly enjoyed 3 hours of riding and catching up with her.....bottom line is, I am able bodied and healthy.  I am grateful for the opportunity to push my body and ability to it's limits, I CAN do this!

Cheers to Green

My favorite day!  I LOVE St. Patricks Day.  I'm Catholic, but not Irish....doesn't matter to me!  The kids are with their Dad today, so Lo and I made cookies to share yesterday and we're having our corned beef with all the fixings Monday.  I LOVE that as Lo was leaving yesterday she had made me a St Patty's card, and assured me she had packed a lot of green, too cute!
In any case my Dropkick Murphy's shirt is out, Irish rock is playing, and looking forward to celebrating with friends tonight!
May the luck O' the Irish be with you all!

Balls

Energy Balls that is!  On our trips to the Methow this winter Rick and I would always go to the Mazama store and buy these locally made energy balls.  I tried the replicate them....turned ok, maybe with a little practice they'll get better!  I have no idea how much of anything I used, but it's organic dates, organic peanut butter, semi sweet chocolate, and organic shredded coconut!

Logan's Wild Animals

i am brave took a picture of a bear..now that is brave, it was hard with a wild sleepie animal but i did it.but what is more dangerous,  a cute  little adorable rat named  STUART LITTLE HAKENSEN yes he is cute yes he awsome and yes he is the best...to be continued next tuesday
by the LARGE AND TALL THE BIGGEST OF THEM  ALL LOGAN!!(-:

3/5-3/11 workout

Monday 5th - easy 25 minute run, 2000 meter row, 1 hour spin on the trainer

Tuesday 6th - Track workout, mile warm up, 5x800,  1/2 mile cool down. 1 hour bike

Wednesday 7th - REST  (Wednesdays are my long day at work, hence no window to work out while   kids are in school......forced rest days are good!)

Thursday 8th - JM to Wenatchee Heights 2.5 hours, cross bike

Friday 9th - 2 hours 50 minutes on CX bike, Pinnacles via Kelly road and back Kelly road

Saturday 10th- Easy 5.5 mile run with 3x400 pick ups

Sunday 11th - 1 hour 50 minutes, road bike, Du hill repeats and American Fruit.

T.v or no T.v

I made the choice when Luke was born to raise my kids without  cable television.  I wanted to be able to control what they watched as well as how much time would be spent in front of the tv.
When Lars peaced out a year and half ago, I entertained the idea of getting t.v.  I thought it might be a nice distraction.  But I realized we've adjusted our lives so well to no television, we don't need it.  I buy old TV series for Lo to watch, her favorite being  Gilmore Girls, it's fun to sit down and watch these with her.  Every once in a while we Hulu House Hunters and watch it in bed on the computer, which is exactly why cable would be dangerous for me, I could watch that show all day!
Having kids 5 years apart there's a huge difference in the content matter one can watch that the other shouldn't.  I don't always approve of what my little one watches at her Dad's apartment, but at least when they are with me if we sit down to watch a show, it is suitable for Lo, but still fun for Luke to see. 
Last week at the coffee stand we had a trivia "What was E.T's job?"  after much discussion at our house we decided we needed to watch it (one of my favorite childhood movies).  We did opt to watch it at Rick's, where he has a big comfy couch and a big TV (my house isn't even set up to sit and watch anything comfortably)!  Forgot how good it was!  Such a fun Friday evening!
And by the way E.T. was a botanist!

10 on 10 March

Time for the 10 on 10 again.  It's been a busy week, but managed to take the camera with me for a day.

5:45 breakfast, work, more work (I'm there a lot), 1/2 day at school means a buddy at work, Costco, carwash,  ahhhhh, bike, warmth, dinner.

LOGAN'S ADVENTURES

today i went outside and shot some hoops .this reminded me of my cousin cal.i was terrible against my brother though i only made a basket...i was playing some one on one with my brother.but then my mom made me take a break to go online and pick my dance stuff for my upcoming show.then i realized i was in uggs so i changed into tenis shoe to help but it did no help the uggs worked best.
by the awsome:LOGAN BELLA

Bowl full of Goodness

I eat this many a nights, one of my favorite things, only thing I was missing tonight was an avocado.
Sweet Onion, Red and Yellow Pepper, sauteed in coconut oil, very end I threw in the spinach and kale, a little pepper and viola!

2/27-3/4 workout

Monday 27th-  1 hour CX bike, 20 minutes arms and core

Tuesday 28th- 1.5 hour CX bike up Horse Lake Rd, 1 hour trainer

Wednesday 29th- run 5 miles 41:13 (8:14), 20 minute deadlifts, medicine ball

Thursday 1st- run 7.25 miles 1hour, 2min 11seconds (8.34)  muddy MUDDY canal run

Friday 2nd - 2:05 CX bike 33.25 (Cashmere)

Saturday 3rd - 20K Skate Ski 1.5 hours (MCT-Rolling huts and back) last 8k, a little soft

Sunday 4th - 47 miles CX bike, 3.5 ish hours Pinnacle loop (via canal to Cashmere, Stine, and Deadmans, a muddy Kelly Rd, Du hill and home)

* I normally do not train on the bike this much early season, but signed up for an event WAY outside my comfort level with only 5 weeks to train for it.  Looking at it as a good jump on the season!

March 1st 2011/ March 1st 2012

A year ago I stood in a small court room with three of my best friends, as a judge asked me a few questions,  stamped my papers and dissolved my 12 year marriage, just like that.   Three months before I had filed my paper work, waited the mandatory 90 days, and in 5 minutes a judge declared my marriage dissolved.  The most anti climatic moment ever. Done in almost the same manner as taking a number at the DMV.  Not sure what I expected.   Maybe I wanted to tell the judge that my husband was a ...........  That I didn't want my family broken up.  That I had already weathered all this in 2007 .  That the night before I went to court he was calling, asking if we could just wait.   The flowers he sent that  morning  also hurt.   In the end all I said was "yes, I was married December 28th, 1998 in Kaanapali, HI".  Done.
Those 24 hours were such a blur, but yet so clear in my mind.  I thank God, for my amazing friends.  Who were with me the entire afternoon and evening as my support.  I know I am very lucky.

In my new beginning I began to search out my faith again.  I started appreciating the day to day tasks with my kids even more.  My mind slowly started coming to peace.   I took time to figure out who I was, what my priorities in life were, how I want to be as a Mother.  I traveled.  Each day as I became more and more independent, it took me further and further away from the hurt and betrayal of my ex, to place of self worth.

Peace and closure have appeared throughout the year.  I settled into a  routine raising the kids the way I want them raised.  Figuring out the ins and outs of the business, that was once a shared responsibility.  I found love, probably when I least expected it.

Originally what I thought would give me peace would be answers.  I wanted to know if my instincts and suspicions were correct.  I felt like I needed the answers.  In time I came to terms with the fact that I may  never get those answers.  But the answers came, also when I least expected it.  I realize now,  I needed to get to a place of peace and love, BEFORE I knew what happened.   While there was no feeling of vindication with these answers, there was definitely a feeling of relief, this is no longer my life.  He hasn't changed, and it's not the way I would want to live anymore.  A feeling of closing the door on that chapter, and embracing love in a way I have never experienced.
I still don't know what exactly my future holds, but do any of us?  What I do know is there is a plan for me, and I just need to trust in it.  To learn from past mistakes, and enjoy the possibilities of each day!
Thank you again to ALL who have followed this years journey with me.  It was not easy, and many tears were shed through the year.  But I am a healthy, happy Mom of two extraordinary kids, with great family, the best girlfriends (and their significant others) a girl could ask for, and a man I get to experience a deeper kind of love with.     Tonight those girls and I will toast to the blessed year it has been!

This was a verse that what shared with me early on.  I fell in love with it and reminded myself daily.  Thanks Patti!
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
****Thank you Mom and Dad for coming over to watch my kiddos tonight while I met with the girls.  I love you guys!