Challenge

There is something really rewarding about challenging yourself to do something that takes you out of your comfort zone. I have continued to open water swim, going once a week these last few weeks. Each time going further than the last. My swim in the race was 1.25 miles (1900 meters), far and scary at the time. This last Monday we swam just over a mile and a half. I was with two other athletic woman, one of the best female swimmers in the valley and the other an amazing ultra runner, and I the cyclist. This week was not my swim, I am never fast, and often times the slowest (it's hard when you have such amazing friends), but it's humbling, and I am so proud of myself for going. Every time I get more comfortable being in spots I can't see the bottom, swimming in choppy waters without panicking, going the distance that looks so far from the safety of the shore, and knowing I can do it! This week I was tired, my legs were shot from a couple of long rides I did on the weekend, it was cooler than it has been and my toes went numb. I felt winded and couldn't get my rhythm for quite sometime, but I was out there, knowing with every stroke I was becoming a better swimmer. I'm dedicated to becoming better, to actually be the best swimmer I can be.

Post swim lunch date

There's a lot of comfort being surrounded by like woman. I was called selfish and a slew of other things in the past by my ex when I would just do the bike portion of a tri with my friends or want to run with my friends on Saturday mornings. I realize now, that some of the things each of us are accomplishing are amazing. That it's ok to do long swims, runs, or rides because doing so I am becoming a better person, discovering bits of me along the way. Building my confidence, so I can be the Mom I want to be to my two kids. It has taught me how to not only be physically strong but mentally too. There was a time, when I was married I wouldn't have gone and done the things I do now with my kids, or my friends on my own, without my husband.

My friend, the ultra runner lost her husband a few years ago to prostrate cancer, she was widowed in her thirties and the mother to that precious girl in the picture above. I was really thinking about it at lunch as we were discussing life. She and I both suffered loss and heartbreak, but when you listen to her speak about the husband she lost, it puts my loss in perspective. She lost a great, man and father, the love of her life. To move past that, is work. To know and live true love, the really deep never ending love and trust, and then for it to be gone one day, that is loss. I realize while my loss hurt at the time, it was for the better. I hadn't yet experienced that kind of love and admiration for one another. While I very much loved my husband, and we had passion, we didn't have trust.  Running saved her from a deep depression and I believe heading out on the bike saved me.  By losing the relationship I was in, I was able to gain so much more in life.

Through time,  these people and experiences I can see this now. I am in a loving relationship with a man that respects that I go run/ride for hours, and in return I respect the fact that he is a cyclist and it takes hours at times, but he loves it. Doing what he loves makes him happy, which makes me happy. That it's ok to go away for a weekend with your girlfriends, because when we surround ourselves with uplifting people we in return are better people to all those around us.

Just feeling really grateful for these opportunities, experiences and the people I've been able to meet in the last few years. It always seems to come back to Jeremiah 29:11. I remember that moment when I read that quote from a friend and thought what could I lose, why not trust in the lord.

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Zoo Concert Fun

This past Friday the kids and I went to our first Zootunes concert at Woodland Park zoo.  I am a bit (well maybe WAY more than a bit) of a Brandi Carlile fan, the forecast was good, scored a couple tickets to the second day of her sold out show.  I had never been to a zootunes concert so I did a Google search on the low down to this.  Thought I'd share what I learned as well because the tips I found online were very helpful.
First off this venue is wonderful.  The outside gate to the zoo opens at 5, but what I learned was if you paid admission to the zoo you could line up early in one of the two inside lines.  For us this was a great excuse to go to the zoo, something both my kids (ages 16 and 11) enjoy.  You can take in chairs (low back), blankets, coolers.  I assumed in order to keep our place in line my son or I would have to stay in line while the other took Lo through the zoo, then we'd switch off.  This was NOT the case, they are SUPER chill.  I planned to get there around 2 (again this was a sold out concert) got there around 2:30, found the shorter of the two lines (pretty easy to see, chairs are set out), set our chairs up like everyone else and took in the zoo all together.  Went back to our line at 4:30, they gate the lines off from the zoo around 4:40 checked our tickets then and stamped our hands, at 5 they open the gates and its a free for all.  I had been listening to people in line and had my blanket ready to throw out and secure an area, that's just what I did,  got a great spot!  I brought in a messenger bag with snacks and water (didn't want to have to carry a cooler around, but from the looks of it it'd be ok to just leave one in line).  They have several food vendors set up, the kids each got a cheeseburger made with 100% organic beef and Tillamook cheese $9.75, so not bad.   Only thing I didn't quite figure out was the parking, my only tip there is remember the entrance you came in!
As for Brandi,  she was fabulous!  Everything, if not better than I hoped and yes she played my all time favorite The Story.  My kids are good sports and  went in support of me, however both did enjoy it.  Not only did I Google search the how to for the GA protocol, but I YouTubed  her concerts in the zoo and found this one from two years ago....so maybe I was kind of hoping Dave Mathews would surprise us.   Granted I don't actually listen to a lot of Dave but my ex and I did see him play  in 2008 (after seeing the Dalai Lama speak, epic) and were seriously impressed with his live performance, so to perform acoustic with Brandi, that'd be pretty great.  I think I will continue to go each year to see her!
Highlights from our trip over.

The Smell is in the Air

Ok, I certainly don't wish for wildfires, nor do I want the smoke to settle in the valley, but there's a new fire going up near Leavenworth and it smells like a big campfire here. One of my favorite smells, second only to clean laundry!

My window of riding today was this evening, the temperatures were great, it's was just smokey. Love the smell, but my eyes paid the price (probably my lungs too) for riding in it.

Of course by the time I was climbing burch Mtn road, I had the thought this may not be my best idea, but did manage to snap an impressive photo.

 

 

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Living, Loving, and Laughing

Thoroughly enjoying these last weeks of summer. Lo and I have made a point of having lots of "girl" dates. My sons been gone with friends...again, and I am just sensing with all the changes at Lo's dads house, she's wanting some special "her" time. I LOVE it, she and I are chilling homebodies in the evening. Lots of baking, and watching Gilmore Girls. She did say we are a lot like them, only I'm not as funny...ouch.

Today I met up with a strong, beautiful single mommy friend for an open water swim. Our girls swam, and we did, my best swim to date. It was super choppy, but we did it, never once panicking, it felt wonderful. Perhaps it was the environment, doing the thing I set as a goal a year ago, knowing how far I have come, in the presence of another strong woman (both physically and emotionally). Had a fun girl lunch date, then an evening of Eat,Pray, Love to finish out our girls only night! 

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Recharge

Sometimes all I need is to be outside with my thoughts.  No cell phone, no computer, just breathing, thinking,  talking.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what "I want" verses "what's right" for my kids.  Who knew having so many great opportunities in life could create so much stress.  I'm loving all areas of my life that are important, my kids, my boyfriend and my job, but at times I feel I am not giving enough of myself to any one of them.  They are not needy but I have my own expectations of what I want to be able give,  and at times I certainly don't live up to those expectations.  Are you with me on this?   Confusing I know, and the only time I can sort this out is on my bike, a run or hiking with the kids.

There are moments (and thank God they are short) I feel cheated in parenting.  My kids other parent only does the "parenting" gig very part time. He doesn't have to worry about doing what's right, because there's  little impact to my kids, they are not around.  I'm with them everyday ( well almost, two Saturdays a month I don't see them).  Sometimes there's frustration dealing with everything, good and bad, but I wouldn't want it any other way.  The best is clearly a family as a whole and at times I really miss that support, but when you don't have that, second best is being the parent raising the kids.  Here and there I am envious of his freedom, the ability to pack up and move anytime (6 times in the last 6 years to be exact), to have quiet time in the bathroom without anyone needing anything, to drink a cold one in peace and think about the day...ahhhh, simple luxuries.  Then I see my cute girl all snuggled in bed with her eye shades on mumbling she loves me, and I think those two days a month without her are way too much...
At the same time I would love to be snuggled next to my boyfriend every night, but not sure when the right time to make that move is.  There are times I wish I could just make decisions based on feelings, but I have two dependents that count on me to do what's right, not just how I feel.   The reality of being a parent is putting your kids needs before your own,  I don't feel it's a sacrifice, because it is a privilege to be a parent.  I just have to stop and remind myself this when I am feeling overwhelmed, and very much "wanting" different things in a single moment.   To add to all that I own a business, I operate and run. I know how to make it better,  being there and being present, but with juggling the  kids and boyfriend, I'm not always 100% there either....
How do I balance it all.  Well I haven't figured it out.  I just know there are moments that I stress out about everything.  Then I go outside, get my heart beating, breathe the fresh air, look around in wonder and know it will work out......

I was pondering all this, this last week.  Then Friday morning I loaded up the car with my mom, kids and dog and we took off on a hike to Lake Valhalla.  I have been there more times than I can count, but this was by far the most perfect day.  Temperatures were perfect,  we had the lake to ourselves and just hung out there for a couple hours.....it's amazing what fresh air and a great nights sleep can do. 
Bonus: this was my mom's first time up there, I love hiking with my kids to be able to share that with them, but what a treat it was to introduce my mom to it as well!

Good Stuff

Sometimes you just have to share your favorites.  I love Brandi Carlile and this new song and video is just great.  I dare you not to smile as you listen to her words!
Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjlLQSsWVv4

A Few More...

Feeling pretty fortunate that, one my boyfriend loves going to Bend as much as I do, and  second my kids love it as well.  My son likes it for the same reasons we all do, the awesome biking/running trails and food.  Lo, well she just loves it because she gets to hang with her friend and no one is making her ride her bike!
I've heard so many times from people that have visited Bend maybe once that it's so much like Wenatchee.  Well the more I go the more I think not.  Don't get me wrong, Wenatchee's great, but kind of the small town version of Bend.  Their parks and recreation is downright impressive.
I could live there...

Dinner at The Good Life with our friend

This was my attempt at trying to get a picture of their pimping Slayer espresso machine, it didn't work.

Bits of Sunriver and Bend

My first trip to Bend was 5 years ago, fell in love with the area instantly. In the last two years I've managed to make five trips down here. I have a good excuse, not only is it a vacation for me but one of Lo's best friends moved here three years ago, always wonderful to see this family!

 

Crux

These girls always pick up where they left off

 

My son even got to bring a friend

 

Rick and I brought a friend (means I was off the hook for Mtn biking)

Running some fabulous trails

Boys did a little of this:

More of this, this time at 10 Barrel

Lots of this too!

Today we floated the Deschutes, but haven't loaded the pictures up.

We really are having a fabulous time, and planning our next trip back!

 

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New Chapters

I've debated this post, but you've all followed so much of this journey, this is yet another part of life raising kids in a divorced household.  Earlier this week my ex's girlfriend posted on Facebook (therefore it's no secret) they were moving into together.  I was sent several texts and pictures of the post throughout the day from people wondering if I knew, my ex did in fact give me the courtesy to let me know last Friday, and I appreciate that.
I'm a bit indifferent to it, which I think is a good thing.  I'm not happy nor sad, but more practical.  I'm glad I feel this way, perhaps even a bit surprised.
My relationship with my ex is a co-parenting relationship, keeping it that way we get along well.  I have no relationship with his girlfriend,  I don't have to co parent with her, just my ex and that works.  My interest in all of this purely for my children.  My kids will be at their house the same as they were before, every other weekend and one night a week.  Lo is super excited about having her own room and space when she visits.  Right now my ex's apartment is a bit cramped for them.  As for my son, he is so chill and handles things so well.  For the last year when he'd go to his dad's he'd just make plans to be out with his friends, in their new rental I've been assured he has his  own space as well.  I also see this benefitting my children financially.  Finances have been tight on my ex's side for some time, having two incomes in one household should ease things, which again is a good thing for my children.
 I was reminded this week by a friend, I am the main influence in my children's life.  Time spent with their Dad and his girlfriend is minimal, in fact there are only two days a month I don't see them, so as long as they are safe and happy while at their home all is good in my world.  I worry a bit about Lo finding her special place in her dad's life.  Her role always seems to be that of a caretaker/playmate to the two little girls.  She is very good at this, and majority of the time enjoys this,  but as the mom to this very special girl, I want everyone to know her as an individual, let her blossom and be a child, and do the things 11 year old girls want to do.  She's a smart cookie, I know she will handle it all the best.  Plus at my house she gets to be my favorite girl in the whole wide world! Pretty sure she'll be just fine!
Do I feel any pressure to move in with Rick....nope.  He is patient.  I still want to be the steady for my kids.  They've gone through enough changes that I want  one place to remain a constant, my home.    It's the three of us, they get to be exactly who they are whenever they want.  I don't think either kids would have a problem moving into Ricks, in fact Lo has already staked out which room would be hers, but with my son only have two more years of high school, I just don't know that now's the right time.  I am very close with both of my kids, but my son and I have basically grown up together.  It was he and I in the beginning.  I want him to always be as comfortable with me as he is now.  I worry  that if we left "our" home, he wouldn't feel it was entirely his to do and be as he pleased, which is very important to me.  So for now I am staying put.  I am financially secure on my own.  Something I am very proud of and enjoying my independence more than I thought.  I would still love to downsize.  I feel like living in a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house for the 3 of us is FAR too big.  So I continue to get my house ready to sell in the event something in this neighborhood and smaller comes on the market.  Continue to embrace raising my kids the way I want to raise them.  Enjoying my small bits of alone time, and enjoying my snails pace of moving forward.  I didn't get to take my time the first time around, and this time I do.  I want to be sure to take it all in and savor each moment!  Cheers to new chapters!

Fondo Fun

One of the many great things about mine and Ricks relationship is the mutual respect and support for one another's crazy adventures!

I will brag a bit about my bf, he's humble pie so he'd never let on to how good he really is. He loves the Fondo rides, this year he didn't do Ephrata but two years ago he won it with a time of 4:34, this year vicious added two more, each getting harder than the last. Rick placed 9th in Leavenworth and 7th this last weekend in Winthrop. I loved watching these guys come in, all LOVED how crazy hard it was, and had a blast!

Would've taken photos throughout the course, but had no idea where the heck any of the forest service roads were or what condition they were in!

 

 

 

 

 

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Savoring Alone Time

Rick and I took off for the weekend to the Methow. Sort of as a belated anniversary celebration, last year we biked the San Juan Islands, but this year with my race the weekend before, and vacation and his race this week, we just decided heading to our favorite place for the weekend was just what we needed. It's simple, beautiful and an easy get away.

We've been looking for property, the idea of spending more and more time here, extending our weekends, holidays with our families, it's what we both want. I think we've found we've found the perfect spot, we'll see!

For cyclists out there I road a ride I hadn't been on before that was a real gem. We road from Mazama to Winthrop via Wolfcreek road, wonderful! I am not much for the road riding up here, because the hwy is so busy, but if you have a cross bike there are so many wonderful back roads that connect Mazama to Winthrop and Winthrop to Twisp.

Dropped Rick off for the Winthrop Fondo this morning and drove back to Mazama to a trailhead to go for a run. I enjoy a group run or ride once in a while, but I really love running solo, especially on the trail. There is nothing more relaxing than getting your heart rate up, sweating, listening to your breath and nature and being alone with your thoughts. I know of some people that never venture alone, perhaps it's an insecurity, but once you do it's absolutely liberating.

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And We All Fall Down

My life is good, and I am just where I want to be in life at this very moment, but this is life and for all the good, we also get the bad.  I love my job but this week it's been a tough place to be.  I lost a friend, as in she died.  She was a Doctor but more importantly she was a mother to two kids she adored.  The employees of the hospital are all in a state of shock and sadness, she was well liked, compassionate and real.  She will be missed.  As her loss sinks in, and we talk and share of our times with her, it hurts.  I'm constantly seconds away from tears, yet being in the presence of those she made an impact on is comforting.
My son left to YL Malibu camp, the same day I got the news of her passing.  Unlike when he was in Mexico (and sent daily messages to me) I won't hear from him until next Wednesday.  This is hard. For all I dislike about modern technology,  it bites that he doesn't have it at camp, because I miss him something great right now, and just want to tell him I love him.    This might be the only time I say it, but I am glad it's not like when I left for college in Hawaii, no internet and the only way to call home was with a prepaid calling card (remember those).
Then to top all things off this week, I am a divorced Mom.  It becomes clearer and clearer everyday why we are no longer married,  how I lived 14 years with him, I have no clue anymore.  For the most part we actually get along great, it's been enough time our only bits of communication are about our children, but there's bound to be frustration.  Tonight was one of those.  I'm looking at this guy, that goes and does as he pleases, anytime he wants, isn't worried about anything flooding in the torrential rain that was starting, doesn't have to worry about always adjusting his work schedule to get the kids to their different activities, the list goes on and on, and the whole time I am thinking this guy doesn't effing get it.  We disagree, as of course we would.  His feelings are hurt, I don't care.  I just leave and am angry that I was mad at all this, because at the end of the day I WANT to be doing all this for my kids.  I want to be raising them mostly on my own, I like it, majority of the time.....so crap, why did we fight?!
That's my week, in a nutshell.  I am escaping this weekend, thank God because I need it!