I've been thinking a lot lately about what "I want" verses "what's right" for my kids. Who knew having so many great opportunities in life could create so much stress. I'm loving all areas of my life that are important, my kids, my boyfriend and my job, but at times I feel I am not giving enough of myself to any one of them. They are not needy but I have my own expectations of what I want to be able give, and at times I certainly don't live up to those expectations. Are you with me on this? Confusing I know, and the only time I can sort this out is on my bike, a run or hiking with the kids.
There are moments (and thank God they are short) I feel cheated in parenting. My kids other parent only does the "parenting" gig very part time. He doesn't have to worry about doing what's right, because there's little impact to my kids, they are not around. I'm with them everyday ( well almost, two Saturdays a month I don't see them). Sometimes there's frustration dealing with everything, good and bad, but I wouldn't want it any other way. The best is clearly a family as a whole and at times I really miss that support, but when you don't have that, second best is being the parent raising the kids. Here and there I am envious of his freedom, the ability to pack up and move anytime (6 times in the last 6 years to be exact), to have quiet time in the bathroom without anyone needing anything, to drink a cold one in peace and think about the day...ahhhh, simple luxuries. Then I see my cute girl all snuggled in bed with her eye shades on mumbling she loves me, and I think those two days a month without her are way too much...
At the same time I would love to be snuggled next to my boyfriend every night, but not sure when the right time to make that move is. There are times I wish I could just make decisions based on feelings, but I have two dependents that count on me to do what's right, not just how I feel. The reality of being a parent is putting your kids needs before your own, I don't feel it's a sacrifice, because it is a privilege to be a parent. I just have to stop and remind myself this when I am feeling overwhelmed, and very much "wanting" different things in a single moment. To add to all that I own a business, I operate and run. I know how to make it better, being there and being present, but with juggling the kids and boyfriend, I'm not always 100% there either....
How do I balance it all. Well I haven't figured it out. I just know there are moments that I stress out about everything. Then I go outside, get my heart beating, breathe the fresh air, look around in wonder and know it will work out......
I was pondering all this, this last week. Then Friday morning I loaded up the car with my mom, kids and dog and we took off on a hike to Lake Valhalla. I have been there more times than I can count, but this was by far the most perfect day. Temperatures were perfect, we had the lake to ourselves and just hung out there for a couple hours.....it's amazing what fresh air and a great nights sleep can do.
Bonus: this was my mom's first time up there, I love hiking with my kids to be able to share that with them, but what a treat it was to introduce my mom to it as well!
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