An incident happened last week that reminded me how far, and how nice my life has become in the last few years. At the time of my divorce I couldn't have imagined wanting anything other than the life I was losing, but that's because it was all I knew. I was terrified of going forward, I liked the comfort and familiarity I had, even if it was chaotic. I was forced out of my comfort. I repeated Jeremiah 29:11 daily, often when I was sad and it brought me comfort. As well as leaned heavily on my friends. Eventually the realization came that it was time to recreate my life, my parenting, work, relationships, everything, but this time the way I wanted. I opened both my heart and mind to possibilities. I am grateful I've had the chance to experience this new life and love.
I 've learned so much from my boyfriend and our relationship. There's a lightness in me I can't describe. I love him with my whole heart. I admire and respect him, I trust AND listen to him. He is good, and he makes me good. My day is no longer consumed with anxiety or worry. That ugly word (jealousy) doesn't exist. There's honesty and love in his eyes. There's no fighting, it just doesn't happen (perhaps I was delusional to believe that was actually healthy), I can talk to this man about anything, and in any mood I may be in. He doesn't always agree with me, but as I have learned from him, it's not always what you say but how you say it. If it's something he doesn't agree with, he has a way of talking to me that I don't get defensive, but actually hear him out. I have always believed communication is huge in a relationship, but didn't know how to communicate. Yet, when it's right, it comes naturally.
I like the way I handle situations now. I know myself better now. I no longer engage in a situations where I may not be able to keep my cool, and perhaps say something I regret later. I'm much more calm than I was a few years ago, when I'd let emotion get the best of me. It's helped immensely in co-parenting, which I still find the hardest part of divorce. It's taken a few years, but I actually feel like my ex and I are doing ok in our co-parenting roles. We both love our kids, and our kids love us. We aren't friends (we don't need to be) but we have a good "working" relationship. We communicate only when it relates to the kids, I prefer text or email, and have a tendency to shoot a txt when I think of it, as though I am relieving myself of having to remember to tell him. He keeps it to a M-F, 8-5 thing. It's not the way I'd like, but it works. I know I will get a call with an answer to whatever I had texted, then I follow up with an email just confirming our conversation. We both do what works for each of us in our lives now, for the kids. We mostly stick to our plan, unless something special is going on, in which we negotiate.....it is what it is. Not always ideal, but it seems to work, for our kids.
While the "incident" I mentioned was unnecessary, it did give me a clear reminder, that the life I have been able to create these last few years, is exactly where I want to be. If you find yourself in that area of uncertainty, know there is a "plan for you", it will get better! Cheers to getting to knowing oneself!
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