Divorce/Parenting

Divorce is hard.  I used to think it's even harder when you have kids, now I realize its hard and sad either way.  I have a friend who's divorce was just finalized, after roughly 14 years of marriage.  I see the pain in her eyes, and I feel the ache in her heart. I hate it all over again, because I know how much she is hurting and all she will have to work through to find peace again.

I used to be pissed at my ex for breaking our family up and forcing me to part with my kids every other weekend, but thank God I had them.  As hard as everything was, I still had them.  They were such a blessing and a focus for me to put all my energy into raising them and "us" getting through all these changes together.  My little Miss was only 8 but she was such an amazing source of strength for me.
My friend will get through this because she has really great, wonderful people in her life.  If she chooses she will never have to speak to her ex again.  I'm pretty much tied to my ex for life through our kids (hence the wise words my friends always repeats:  "be careful who you let impregnate you").  Although as time goes by, and he becomes less and less a part of our lives,  it  feels ok, even normal.  There's always issues that clearly arise when you parent majority of the time, then for  little bits in the month they (the ex) is in charge for a day or two.  Right now, we have a teenage son.  A smart teenage son, one that's figured out that if he lies to his Dad and gets caught the consequence are far less at his house,  by the time he returns to his Dads  house two weeks later its all but forgotten.   At my house if this were to  happen he'd have to face the consequences for days in a row. He  knows that even if the consequence's get in the way of something I have planned or going on, I will cancel (I won't be happy about it), but that's part of  being the parent, having to follow through.  It's my job and my role, the one I take most serious in life.  I've been doing this on my own for the last 3 1/2 years now, I no longer count on their Dad.  If he shows up, or follows through, bonus for my kids.  If not, his loss.  My kids don't seem to get disappointed anymore.  Nor does it bother me anymore.

I have two other friends going through a divorce right now, one with kids and one without.  All smart, wonderful and strong woman.  Their experience will be hard, because they are the type of woman that want to go through the emotions.  One will learn to get on with her life without ever having anymore ties to her ex, the other will have to figure out the way to go through life with out this person, but knowing their children will forever connect them together.
The only thing I can tell them (that was told to me), they will be ok.  That one day they will forgive, not for the other person, but for themselves.  They won't grieve, they won't look back, instead their future and possibilities will excite them.
I was given some of the greatest gifts from my ex.  First my children.  Second the gift to find myself and experience life to the fullest.  I appreciate the good people in my life, every moment with my kids, and I am living, really living.