Vocal

In the last year I have  been vocal on here about life during, and after an affair.  If you're wondering why now, it's for several reasons.  It was about this time last year I was finally told the full extent of my Ex's affair, from him.  It came with of course surprises to process (like the length of their affair).  What it didn't do was cause anymore pain.  For my friends and I it validated what we already knew.  I was able to listen and ask questions, and he answered.   I didn't ask questions that were graphic, I didn't need that.  It was a final closing the door.
This is where the writing about it comes in.  The emotions I felt during and in the years following their affair, were now removed.  I felt like I had finally come full circle, the sadness, hurt, betrayal, to hope, happiness and love.
I hope most of you reading this will never have to go through this, however for those out there that have I know first hand how hearing someones story when you are the midst of the chaos that comes with an affair, divorce, single parenting can help.  I was lucky enough to have friends validate my own crazy emotions, and walk right beside me through this whole process.  One of the most helpful things was their honesty.  There was no sugar coating the facts, but knowing they had felt the same range of emotions, and come out  stronger, successful, happy and in wonderful relationships allowed me to believe that one day at a time I would get there.
These last 5 years for me have likely been the biggest journey in my own personal growth I have ever allowed myself to take.  During the affair,  I didn't trust myself, my gut feeling,  intuition.  I felt weak and to scared asked, when I would ask, I was lied to and told I was crazy.   When he finally left, I was left feeling deflated,  weak, a scared shell of the person I used to be.  Essentially stripped to the fundamentals of life and left to rebuild.
This was the crucial, and I believe a key part for ANYONE going through this rebuilding.  Determining what in this life gave me the greatest meaning/purpose, what were my values? From there developing the confidence to live a life true to myself, my family, friends and core values.  To do it right this time.
This was a SLOW process, met with many setbacks.  One week I would feel strong and confident.  The next week I would call him with questions wanting answers. The fact is, when someone doesn't want to answer you, they don't have too.  This would heighten the anxiety I was feeling.  Then we'd have good weeks, which would eventually lead to being physical, confusing everything all over again.  That was for almost a year.  Then I started dating, at first there were no real connections with anyone, but it was fun.  Something I had been missing.  Slowly my confidence grew, and slowly I was able to pull away from my Ex.  SLOWLY.  Then I met Rick, he has been my calm since day one.  I didn't know it then, but this was my new love, and eventually my future.

I often repeated in my saddest times Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
I repeated this enough to believe it.  I relied heavily on friends and family.  I made peace with never knowing the truth.  After all that, four years later.  I got the truth, at the right time.  Timing is everything when you are going through life's curve balls, you can't rush it and make things what they aren't, but eventually (and there is no set timeline) it does work out.

That being said, do I think couples can survive an affair?  Absolutely.  Sometimes people mess up and make stupid mistakes.  The ones that survive are the ones that take ownership for those mistakes, recognize and communicate how they got there.   With both parties engaged and committed, I have known people to survive an affair and are so grateful they stuck by each other.  To error is human.  Repeat offenders, well I don't hold out as much hope for them.  Trust is key in any relationship, you break it once you can rebuild over time, you break it again and again well that's another story.

That's my story.  The first half  of my life.  I can now look back, be grateful for the 14 years together, two children and awesome memories.  The second half I get to apply all I've learned from the first half.  Onto a new adventure, different, but nonetheless grand!