Time.

It's been over two months since Kaiser died. I can't say the pain of missing him has lessened. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I knew this from past experiences, but face this reality again that we can't fully realize the impact they have on our life, until they are gone.

We had our first snowfall last week and I teared up at the thought of not having him "help" me shovel he driveway. His excitement for the snow was so awesome. I would shovel, and throw the snow for him. Sometimes when the snow was particularly heavy this was quite the chore, but what I would give to have him with me again for it.

I'm realizing how much calm he brought to my life, for those that knew him this is a tad ironic because he was quite neurotic, but for me he calmed me. If I was sad, or anxious he was there (and when I say there, he never left my side), sometimes I would just lay down with him and pet his arm, he would look me straight into the eyes and it brought peace to me.

Like any dog owner, we struggle with their end. Did we do what was right for them? For me the thought that I missed the fact that he was in pain breaks my heart.

Rick and I had decided we need a break from dogs once Kaiser and Maddie passed (maddie his dog is almost 16), in part because having a geriatric dog is a lot of work. It's also limited us from being able to come and go. We have a trip to Kauai in February that's temporarily on hold, simply because we can no longer leave Maddie in the care of a house sitter. I know this sounds ridiculous to some, but it makes perfect sense to both Rick and I. However in the two plus months Kaiser has been gone, I'm missing so much about dog ownership. I've always had a dog. We have Joey, and love him dearly, but I miss hiking, skiing, snowshoeing and running with a dog.

Thankfully the Humane Society keeps me busy. I've been able to put in about 10 hours a month there and time with these special guys lessons the pain.

Here's a few of my recent buddies, and proof that you really can find the perfect dog at your local shelter!

He might be my favorite, this is 6 year old Bronson

 

This is Budina, she's been at the shelter a while too

 

Gladiator, he is stressed by the noise of the shelter, but so sweet. Someone did a hack job on this poor guys ears though

 

Phantom, happy to say he got a home. This guy was so happy running with a ball. Not fetching, just running with a ball.

The pits are hard, because they are the least adopted and most common breed in the shelter. I had never been around a pitbul before and was often a little scared. I still proceed with caution until I know them. They are strong dogs, and need homes that will take the time to train and exercise them. These guys I wouldn't hesitate to have as a pet. Like I've said I'm a little in love with Bronson.

A few more gems I've taken put that have gotten homes that day are these guys.

Kato, who was truly the best dog. Someone was very lucky to get him.

And Margarita, she has a ton of potential and got a home!

 

 

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Hearing Loss

Fortunately one of my children shares in my music taste, more correctly these days he lets me in on who the up and coming Indie musicians are. In 2013 (or 2012), I bought us tickets to Deck the Hall Ball in Seattle. We drove over, got there at 3 and stayed until the end at 11 (Mumford and Sons was the headliner so of course we had to stay), and drove back over the pass getting home around 3am. Brutal.

I'm happy to say I've gotten older and wiser! This year we drove over, got a hotel in Issaquah, had a decent nights sleep before getting Luke back in time for his 10am college final. However, stamina is NOT there. When I got home this am, my plan was to go for a long run, but first I needed and hour and a half nap (then all was good).

Almost 24 hours later my hearing is finally coming back to my left ear.

I cherish this time, I love that my almost 20 yearly son is ok going with his mom. He's such a cool kid. As he gets older and more independent I am so proud of him, but I miss him. I happen to really like the guy!

 

Fantastic line-up. Head and the Heart I can't see to get enough of!

 

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Holidays

Oh how I use to love them. There truly is something magical experiencing the holidays through your children's eyes. The decorating, the baking, the music, and holiday outfits, watching your kids excitement with your family. It's wonderful, no doubt.
Unfortunately a bit of that magic died when I got divorced. There's more of a sadness than excitement at times. The reality of divorce, in my case is from the time my children were 13 and 8 the holidays are now divided into even and odd years. One parent "gets" them for Thanksgiving even years the other for Christmas. It's horrible. The last couple years it's been easier for me to leave the country and have alone quality time with them than deal with the panic and anxiety the holidays bring. Let me be clear no one but myself causes the anxiety.  This year I had Thanksgiving, which I should be embracing fully because I won't be waking up Christmas morning with them and that is crushing. However I can't, instead all I could think is I have one more guaranteed Thanksgiving with my girl, two years from now. My parents, and sister haven't had a Thanksgiving with their grandkids/ nephews/nieces since 2010, because I also have a lovely new family I'd desperately like for my children to know. So not only are my holidays limited because of divorce but my family gets "jipped" as well, and that adds to my anxiety.
This is the reality of divorce folks. While my Ex's and my relationship has improved the last few years, I can't help but curse him out during these months. At times I actually hate him for breaking up our family and leaving us (he and I) without our children everyother holiday.   I love my life and do believe all the bad was just lessons to prepare me for really good!  There are just struggles I face with not being able to always be with my kids.
I know not everyone struggles this much, and some cope much better. I've truly tried to feel the excitement again, but even decorating the house for Christmas with my daughter is a reminder that she won't be waking up this year Christmas morning with her mom. We won't be doing our matching Pj's, bed hair and hot chocolate, sitting under blankets as we open stockings. It breaks my heart, not only for myself but for my children. This is their reality too. My daughter especially worries about the other parent when she's not with them.
I know as they get older this is how it goes, they will eventually have a significant other to share in their holidays to, but it's not how it's supposed to go when they are in your care, as you raise them. I am the custodial parent, I do the day in day out and see my child everyday other than everyother Saturday, but I'm telling you it doesn't lesson the sadness the holidays bring.
Sure we could "share" the day, but is that fair for the child either? To interrupt their day to vedge and enjoy and instead run to different households trying to fit it all in. My ex and I decided against that, and I do believe that is in the best interest of our children.
What we do is create a new normal, and with my small little family we are building new traditions. The love is always present, and I am acutely aware of how fast time goes, especially when you are counting by everyother year.
I guess my advice to those in relationships with children, that find themselves in moments of personal unhappiness, before you decide to look for the greener grass (that often is not there), think of the big picture, not just the now. Not all relationships can be saved, but perhaps if we paused more as a society rather than have that need for instant gratification some relationships would continue to grow. I know many couples that have worked past issues, and for that they are stronger.
I am lucky to have a partner in my life now that values family. Probably my biggest attraction to him was his love and commitment to his family and his willingness to commit and love mine. So with that, we carry on. We love and create new traditions, but he lets me mourn what was lost.
Those that have your families intact, don't take it for granted, enjoy each little moment!
Cheers

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Kai

It's been over five weeks since Kaiser died, and I miss him everyday. I look for him in everything I do, knowing I will never see him again, rub behind his ears, or give him goodnight kisses. Wanting desperately for that one more day so I could've slept on the floor with him that night telling him how great he was, and how much he was loved. We would've had ice cream together because he loved it, and I loved watching him eat it so slow as to savor every bite. It truly makes my heart hurt thinking about this. I know some won't understand the depth of my connection with Kaiser, and others will understand exactly how it was, because they've likely been there before.
How do you honor an animal that meant so much? In those final moments I gave him all the I love you's and I'll miss you's. However those frantic moments that I knew were his last as I held his head, went way to fast. He deserved a much better last day, but sadly most don't get that. Unlike humans they can't tell us when they are feeling so bad, instead they muster up what little energy they have to show us it's alright.
When I think back I've been preparing for Kaiser to go for years. At six he was diagnosed with pretty severe arthritis in his lower spine, losing use of his right rear leg. At eight he had emergency surgery for bloat, losing his spleen. I told myself I would need to make a choice when his quality suffered. I told myself I wanted to get him up to one last mountain lake before he died. Yet, as he got worse I worked with his vet to come up with a regimen of anti inflammatories, muscle relaxers and pain killers to get through bad "episodes", in July he was feeling good so we hiked up a short hike to Lake Clara so he could go to a mountain lake "one last time", yet as he lay dying I realized no time would be enough, I had so many more plans for "us". Perhaps he knew I would never be able to let him go. He ended up dying of a bleed (likely an undetected tumor) in his lungs.

In the end I truly believe he went when he knew I would be ok. In the almost 10 years with Kaiser, I went though some of my hardest times.

Every night of his life he went to bed on the floor beside my side of the bed, at some point in the night after I was asleep he would make his way to his big bed at the end of my bed. I always said I swore he slept withg one eye open, always on the watch for us.

He was never a dominant dog, in fact when it came to other dogs he was a rather insecure male. When we brought him to our house as a puppy in December of 2006 he joined Obie, our then grieving 3 year old Bassett hound (we had lost our Great Dane Dharma in June that year). I wrongly assumed Obie was lonely for another dog. Perhaps he was, but a male German Shepard was
obviously not on his list.

Obie quickly asserted himself as the dominant male, and bossed and bullied Kaiser until he got too old to do so. If Kaiser was eating out of his food bowl, Obie would take it, if Kai laid in one bed, Obie would make him get up and go to the other. He would stand in front of their igloo and bark until Kaiser came out. He also led Kaiser to doggy jail on one of Obie's many "bust outs", however Kaiser
was not a fan of doggy jail and any future times Obie got out I'd find Kaiser sitting at the side door, almost apologetically telling me he was so sorry he told Obie he shouldn't do it. Yet he always loved his basset hound. He loved his kitty, when he was a puppy we had two kittens, Meredith Grey and Annabelle, and he would walk around the house carrying Meredith in his mouth. I'd find her nearly
licked to death other times. Sadly Meredith went missing one night, Annabelle didn't quite feel the
same way about Kai, but I'd catch moments of her rubbing on him. In fact the day he died, my mom and sister were over and before we took Kaiser to the vet, because it was obvious he was not well, they said she walked right up to him and rubbed on him, almost as to say good bye.
When my ex husband moved out in 2010, the many months prior to him deciding to move out was complete chaos, and the most stress I have ever been through. Kaiser was with me during this entire time, often times I didn't even notice because I was too wrapped in my grief. He followed me everywhere, sat with me when I sat, walked when I walked. Being there for me in case I needed him. I remember just being in tears and there he was and I would sit crying and talking to him, the whole time he'd look into my eyes, and as he did through out his life he'd place his paw on my arm......a gentle reminder that everything is ok and he's there.
Once it was apparent I was on my own with the kids, I wanted to start hiking with them, and not having my husband there was not going to stop us. I had Kaiser and he made me feel secure. One by one we started marking of the mountain lakes in the Henry M Jackson Wilderness. This brought such a sense of freedom to me to be out there. It made me feel alive, and all the worries slip away. Plus the kids and I loved seeing Kaisers excitement when he'd see a lake. He'd always pause before it and look to me and I'd say "go ahead", and he'd take off running into it.

These were the best of times. I owe Kaiser so much because of him we were able to create some of the best memories as a family.
I started trail running when he got arthritis because I enjoyed running with him so much, and he enjoyed it. He was given the go ahead as long as it was on dirt. I think we were both instantly hooked and in love. Again, I never felt alone of afraid on those trails, because I had my constant companion by my side.

So to say I miss him is an understatement. I will likely always miss him and want "one more day". I was also be eternally grateful to the time he was here and I got lucky enough to be his human.

Any of you that have that loyal companion now, remember their time here is so short. They love you and want to please you, honor them, and love them, because when they are gone I guarantee you'll wish you had more time.

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Lilo

5 years ago my son was a freshman, Lo was 9 and I was a single mama. I'd wake them up at 5:45 make Lo a quick breakfast they'd get ready in record time and out the door at 6:05. I dropped her off at "Helens" (a lifesaver to us early morning working moms) She graciously let Lo come in before school, be a "helper" and lead the littler kids to school a short walk away. My son went to the hospital and helped open up shop, get breakfast have a coffee and walk to school, I loved that time with him.
Things have changed a lot since then, but now Lo is working for an hour before school with me. Sure Rick could take her to school, but truthfully I enjoy time. I've been at this job since the kids were 1 and 6, I miss a lot of before school mornings.
Lo gets up at 5:20 to get ready, we are out the door by 6:10 and working by 6:20. I will cherish this year and time with her, for I know just how fast it will go.

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Whole

I was last in Boulder over six years ago, broken and seeking some sort of refuge from my sadness. I've been lucky to have been coming here for almost 20 years. Emotionally, spiritually and physically this place feeds my soul. I have a dear friend here, he was my roommate briefly at HPU and we go years without seeing each other, but when we do I am reminded the bond of true friends, they are always there, even when you don't see them often.

When I was here last I wouldn't say I received what I was seeking, but rather clarity. I couldn't run away to escape sadness. I needed to suck it up and rely on myself to find that happiness within again, and I did.

I am so happy to return here whole again. It feels good. My son and I are having a blast, hiking, running, shopping, eating and drinking. Boulder is my ideal vacation (much like Bend, Oregon, just bigger), a balance of culture, outdoor beauty and recreation.

 

 

 

Tonight we mark one off the bucket list and will see a concert at Red Rocks, then back home to my daughter and husband (man, that feels so good to say)! It's been great, but can't wait to get home to the rest of my family!

 

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E L O P E D

We did it! After much deliberating, thinking, trying to plan and stressing, 10 days before our vacation to Kauai we decided to get married there!

Neither one of us are "showy" people. Attention on us makes us cringe. Yet we love our friends and family immensely and wanted to put on the wedding for them. Ultimately we decided to do it for us.

We did it in a place that holds so much meaning for Rick and his family. For years I've watched them spread his dad's ashes in loving memory here. It felt like the perfect place to commit our lives
together. He is my husband, the man I will spend the rest of my life loving unconditionally. I'm a very lucky girl.

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