Holidays

Oh how I use to love them. There truly is something magical experiencing the holidays through your children's eyes. The decorating, the baking, the music, and holiday outfits, watching your kids excitement with your family. It's wonderful, no doubt.
Unfortunately a bit of that magic died when I got divorced. There's more of a sadness than excitement at times. The reality of divorce, in my case is from the time my children were 13 and 8 the holidays are now divided into even and odd years. One parent "gets" them for Thanksgiving even years the other for Christmas. It's horrible. The last couple years it's been easier for me to leave the country and have alone quality time with them than deal with the panic and anxiety the holidays bring. Let me be clear no one but myself causes the anxiety.  This year I had Thanksgiving, which I should be embracing fully because I won't be waking up Christmas morning with them and that is crushing. However I can't, instead all I could think is I have one more guaranteed Thanksgiving with my girl, two years from now. My parents, and sister haven't had a Thanksgiving with their grandkids/ nephews/nieces since 2010, because I also have a lovely new family I'd desperately like for my children to know. So not only are my holidays limited because of divorce but my family gets "jipped" as well, and that adds to my anxiety.
This is the reality of divorce folks. While my Ex's and my relationship has improved the last few years, I can't help but curse him out during these months. At times I actually hate him for breaking up our family and leaving us (he and I) without our children everyother holiday.   I love my life and do believe all the bad was just lessons to prepare me for really good!  There are just struggles I face with not being able to always be with my kids.
I know not everyone struggles this much, and some cope much better. I've truly tried to feel the excitement again, but even decorating the house for Christmas with my daughter is a reminder that she won't be waking up this year Christmas morning with her mom. We won't be doing our matching Pj's, bed hair and hot chocolate, sitting under blankets as we open stockings. It breaks my heart, not only for myself but for my children. This is their reality too. My daughter especially worries about the other parent when she's not with them.
I know as they get older this is how it goes, they will eventually have a significant other to share in their holidays to, but it's not how it's supposed to go when they are in your care, as you raise them. I am the custodial parent, I do the day in day out and see my child everyday other than everyother Saturday, but I'm telling you it doesn't lesson the sadness the holidays bring.
Sure we could "share" the day, but is that fair for the child either? To interrupt their day to vedge and enjoy and instead run to different households trying to fit it all in. My ex and I decided against that, and I do believe that is in the best interest of our children.
What we do is create a new normal, and with my small little family we are building new traditions. The love is always present, and I am acutely aware of how fast time goes, especially when you are counting by everyother year.
I guess my advice to those in relationships with children, that find themselves in moments of personal unhappiness, before you decide to look for the greener grass (that often is not there), think of the big picture, not just the now. Not all relationships can be saved, but perhaps if we paused more as a society rather than have that need for instant gratification some relationships would continue to grow. I know many couples that have worked past issues, and for that they are stronger.
I am lucky to have a partner in my life now that values family. Probably my biggest attraction to him was his love and commitment to his family and his willingness to commit and love mine. So with that, we carry on. We love and create new traditions, but he lets me mourn what was lost.
Those that have your families intact, don't take it for granted, enjoy each little moment!
Cheers

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Kai

It's been over five weeks since Kaiser died, and I miss him everyday. I look for him in everything I do, knowing I will never see him again, rub behind his ears, or give him goodnight kisses. Wanting desperately for that one more day so I could've slept on the floor with him that night telling him how great he was, and how much he was loved. We would've had ice cream together because he loved it, and I loved watching him eat it so slow as to savor every bite. It truly makes my heart hurt thinking about this. I know some won't understand the depth of my connection with Kaiser, and others will understand exactly how it was, because they've likely been there before.
How do you honor an animal that meant so much? In those final moments I gave him all the I love you's and I'll miss you's. However those frantic moments that I knew were his last as I held his head, went way to fast. He deserved a much better last day, but sadly most don't get that. Unlike humans they can't tell us when they are feeling so bad, instead they muster up what little energy they have to show us it's alright.
When I think back I've been preparing for Kaiser to go for years. At six he was diagnosed with pretty severe arthritis in his lower spine, losing use of his right rear leg. At eight he had emergency surgery for bloat, losing his spleen. I told myself I would need to make a choice when his quality suffered. I told myself I wanted to get him up to one last mountain lake before he died. Yet, as he got worse I worked with his vet to come up with a regimen of anti inflammatories, muscle relaxers and pain killers to get through bad "episodes", in July he was feeling good so we hiked up a short hike to Lake Clara so he could go to a mountain lake "one last time", yet as he lay dying I realized no time would be enough, I had so many more plans for "us". Perhaps he knew I would never be able to let him go. He ended up dying of a bleed (likely an undetected tumor) in his lungs.

In the end I truly believe he went when he knew I would be ok. In the almost 10 years with Kaiser, I went though some of my hardest times.

Every night of his life he went to bed on the floor beside my side of the bed, at some point in the night after I was asleep he would make his way to his big bed at the end of my bed. I always said I swore he slept withg one eye open, always on the watch for us.

He was never a dominant dog, in fact when it came to other dogs he was a rather insecure male. When we brought him to our house as a puppy in December of 2006 he joined Obie, our then grieving 3 year old Bassett hound (we had lost our Great Dane Dharma in June that year). I wrongly assumed Obie was lonely for another dog. Perhaps he was, but a male German Shepard was
obviously not on his list.

Obie quickly asserted himself as the dominant male, and bossed and bullied Kaiser until he got too old to do so. If Kaiser was eating out of his food bowl, Obie would take it, if Kai laid in one bed, Obie would make him get up and go to the other. He would stand in front of their igloo and bark until Kaiser came out. He also led Kaiser to doggy jail on one of Obie's many "bust outs", however Kaiser
was not a fan of doggy jail and any future times Obie got out I'd find Kaiser sitting at the side door, almost apologetically telling me he was so sorry he told Obie he shouldn't do it. Yet he always loved his basset hound. He loved his kitty, when he was a puppy we had two kittens, Meredith Grey and Annabelle, and he would walk around the house carrying Meredith in his mouth. I'd find her nearly
licked to death other times. Sadly Meredith went missing one night, Annabelle didn't quite feel the
same way about Kai, but I'd catch moments of her rubbing on him. In fact the day he died, my mom and sister were over and before we took Kaiser to the vet, because it was obvious he was not well, they said she walked right up to him and rubbed on him, almost as to say good bye.
When my ex husband moved out in 2010, the many months prior to him deciding to move out was complete chaos, and the most stress I have ever been through. Kaiser was with me during this entire time, often times I didn't even notice because I was too wrapped in my grief. He followed me everywhere, sat with me when I sat, walked when I walked. Being there for me in case I needed him. I remember just being in tears and there he was and I would sit crying and talking to him, the whole time he'd look into my eyes, and as he did through out his life he'd place his paw on my arm......a gentle reminder that everything is ok and he's there.
Once it was apparent I was on my own with the kids, I wanted to start hiking with them, and not having my husband there was not going to stop us. I had Kaiser and he made me feel secure. One by one we started marking of the mountain lakes in the Henry M Jackson Wilderness. This brought such a sense of freedom to me to be out there. It made me feel alive, and all the worries slip away. Plus the kids and I loved seeing Kaisers excitement when he'd see a lake. He'd always pause before it and look to me and I'd say "go ahead", and he'd take off running into it.

These were the best of times. I owe Kaiser so much because of him we were able to create some of the best memories as a family.
I started trail running when he got arthritis because I enjoyed running with him so much, and he enjoyed it. He was given the go ahead as long as it was on dirt. I think we were both instantly hooked and in love. Again, I never felt alone of afraid on those trails, because I had my constant companion by my side.

So to say I miss him is an understatement. I will likely always miss him and want "one more day". I was also be eternally grateful to the time he was here and I got lucky enough to be his human.

Any of you that have that loyal companion now, remember their time here is so short. They love you and want to please you, honor them, and love them, because when they are gone I guarantee you'll wish you had more time.

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