Reflection

I recently shared this on Facebook. Most of you that have followed my blog followed this journey and offered love and support along the way as well.
It feels good to be where I am in life. Complete. There are no  thoughts of what if, my life just IS, in the most beautiful way.
The relationships I have with people in my life are because I want to. They work both ways, and are
not one sided relationships. This includes my Ex, to give credit where credit is do. My issue co-parenting with him has always been communication, once he truly understood where my frustrations came from, he worked to improve, additionally I allow more grace in delayed communication.
I've shared my story and all the emotions along the way because they are real. I know many people find themselves in the same situations and if it hadn't been for my friends openly sharing their stories, I might have sunk into utter dispair, but knowing they got through, and allowed happiness and love in their lives, gave me hope.
There is no timeline for grief in any form. Be it a death or a relationship that ends. We are individuals and we all grieve in different ways and lengths of time. Let's respect that amongst our fellow humans. Be comfortable grieving, it's ok. In a relationship that ends the way mine did, the parties that hurt me would've rather I had just swept everything under the rug and moved on, but I didn't really feel like they had my best interests at hand anyways, so I followed my own course. It's been 6 years since my divorce was final, I am truly happy with where I am today, happy I had the chance to grieve in a loving and supportive atmosphere amongst friends and family.
Those that have reached out recently, there's is no easy path, however the path is ALL yours. Just take comfort in knowing it does and will get better and better.
I guess my one last piece of advice would be to find yourself again, while honoring and loving those around you that allow you to do so.
Be well my friends.

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Semi-Natural

The older I get, the more comfortable in my own skin I become. My teens and 20's I struggled, but there was something that happened when I became a mom. I created two of the most beautiful people, and that to me made me feel beautiful. I'm approaching 40, years of tennis in the sun show the wear on my face, yet I'm gravitating towards less and less make up. I have a decent head of hair that I embrace just as it is. Stylish, not so much, simple and low maintenance most definitely.
What I have noticed is a disturbing shift in our online (social media) appearances, this is something I have talked about at great deal with my daughter. With instagram filters, and apps like face tune, people are actually taking away their wrinkles, smoothing their skin, whitening their teeth, sometimes to such degree when you do see them in person you hardly recognize the person in front of you. They gather (or perhaps rather look for it) validation and praise on the social media, but shy away from showing the real self. I understand everyone wants to look good, but let's work on continuing to leave some of the real ness in. Don't get me wrong, I love IG filters as much as the next person, however when I run into the grocery store after a good workout (as I often do), I want people to recognize me as that's who I am.  Sometimes sweaty and no make up with fine wrinkles and hair that forms to one giant dread.  Beauty is different for everyone, but for me real beauty usually accompanies a genuine personality as well, and for me that's beautiful.
A couple weeks ago at my yoga studio I was approached going into class if I would mind taking a picture and saying a few words after class. I instantly said yes, but within a minute it dawned on me I was walking into hot yoga (a 75 minute class done in a studio heated to 110 degrees), what I wanted to do upon that realization was turn around and ask if I could do it another class, but decided I needed to meditate on it the next 75 minutes. Throughout the class I thought of my excuses, hoped I could sneak out "forgetting", but by the time we got to shavasana, I had decided to suck it up. This is who I am, I have no problem heading to Safeway after hot yoga why should I avoid FB looking the way I do after doing something so good. This was an exercise in being placed right in front of me. I decided to embrace it and embrace myself.
So this is the photo that appeared on Facebook.

Cheers to being the closest thing to the real you, you can be!

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Dogs and Yoga

Two of my favorite things these days. I just want to take a moment and make something clear. I am fortunate to be doing both. I get to spend an average of 10-14 hours a month volunteering for the humane society and I love (almost) every minute of it. I either take a dog out hiking, or come before they open or after they close to get the dogs outside to "potty" and burn off a little energy. I believe in volunteering when you can, "can" being the key word. People often put emphasis on volunteerism, and I would like to believe that most people would love to give of their time. However for a better part of my life and I know for many, the time hasn't been there, or the "luxury" to not be working and instead volunteering.

Through High School I worked to save up for college, then was a young mom working multiple jobs, opposite schedule of my husband to avoid daycare, when there likely would've been time I ended up going through a divorce becoming a single Mom, trying to balance work and home on my own.

It was my daughter a few years ago (at the time she was 12) that wanted to volunteer at the humane society. It seemed like a good idea and we'd give it a try. For the first two years, we struggled to even put in our 4 hours a month, not for lack of wanting to, but her activities increased, meaning her "drivers" duties did to. It's only in the last 8 months that life has truly slowed down, she's busier but I have more time and I am able to spend far more time there.

I still work full time, however I'm lucky to have an unconventional schedule that leaves me with a free window every afternoon from noon-three.

I know plenty of people that would love to volunteer but they work a 9-5 and their limited time home is spent with their families. Equally admirable in my opinion.

Yoga is the other one, like I've said before I desperately could've benefited from this while going through the chaos of my husbands affair then our divorce. However, I could barely afford my house, all luxuries were cut out, and yoga wasn't even started. To belong to a "studio", be it yoga, barre or Pilates is a luxury. One that is certainly nice to have in life but not necessary to our survival. Fortunately I didn't know what I was missing at the time, because now it is a huge part of my life. I practice anywhere from 3-5 times a week. Again, because the time is right.

All this is largely due to Ricks support. I'm married to a man that works hard and provides a comfortable, stable life for us. Supports us in all our crazy endeavors. My kids are older, and I have more "free" time. In general I am secure and it's the right time to give. I feel extremely fortunate to be able to volunteer. Yet, aware that not all have the privilege to be able to do this.

 

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New Years Resolutions

I don't really do them. Let's face it, every year I should probably lose 5lbs, eat less sugar, drink more water. Instead each year I set a goal as a family what we can do to not only better our lives but hopefully make a small impact for future generations. This year we are saying NO to plastics, as best we can. I've been gradually switching out plastic containers in the house for glass ones, my goal by the end off this year is to have no more plastic containers. My daughter is a fan of the reusable plastic Starbucks drink cups, so those will remain because at least it's reusing. Bike bottles will also remain plastic for the obvious reasons but will make the switch to all BPA free. We are ok right now about bringing our reusable shopping bags, but this is an area I know we can improve.

These are habits and practices that have long been in place in other countries, in the United States we just choose convenience. Cheers to a better us in 2017!

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Time.

It's been over two months since Kaiser died. I can't say the pain of missing him has lessened. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I knew this from past experiences, but face this reality again that we can't fully realize the impact they have on our life, until they are gone.

We had our first snowfall last week and I teared up at the thought of not having him "help" me shovel he driveway. His excitement for the snow was so awesome. I would shovel, and throw the snow for him. Sometimes when the snow was particularly heavy this was quite the chore, but what I would give to have him with me again for it.

I'm realizing how much calm he brought to my life, for those that knew him this is a tad ironic because he was quite neurotic, but for me he calmed me. If I was sad, or anxious he was there (and when I say there, he never left my side), sometimes I would just lay down with him and pet his arm, he would look me straight into the eyes and it brought peace to me.

Like any dog owner, we struggle with their end. Did we do what was right for them? For me the thought that I missed the fact that he was in pain breaks my heart.

Rick and I had decided we need a break from dogs once Kaiser and Maddie passed (maddie his dog is almost 16), in part because having a geriatric dog is a lot of work. It's also limited us from being able to come and go. We have a trip to Kauai in February that's temporarily on hold, simply because we can no longer leave Maddie in the care of a house sitter. I know this sounds ridiculous to some, but it makes perfect sense to both Rick and I. However in the two plus months Kaiser has been gone, I'm missing so much about dog ownership. I've always had a dog. We have Joey, and love him dearly, but I miss hiking, skiing, snowshoeing and running with a dog.

Thankfully the Humane Society keeps me busy. I've been able to put in about 10 hours a month there and time with these special guys lessons the pain.

Here's a few of my recent buddies, and proof that you really can find the perfect dog at your local shelter!

He might be my favorite, this is 6 year old Bronson

 

This is Budina, she's been at the shelter a while too

 

Gladiator, he is stressed by the noise of the shelter, but so sweet. Someone did a hack job on this poor guys ears though

 

Phantom, happy to say he got a home. This guy was so happy running with a ball. Not fetching, just running with a ball.

The pits are hard, because they are the least adopted and most common breed in the shelter. I had never been around a pitbul before and was often a little scared. I still proceed with caution until I know them. They are strong dogs, and need homes that will take the time to train and exercise them. These guys I wouldn't hesitate to have as a pet. Like I've said I'm a little in love with Bronson.

A few more gems I've taken put that have gotten homes that day are these guys.

Kato, who was truly the best dog. Someone was very lucky to get him.

And Margarita, she has a ton of potential and got a home!

 

 

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Hearing Loss

Fortunately one of my children shares in my music taste, more correctly these days he lets me in on who the up and coming Indie musicians are. In 2013 (or 2012), I bought us tickets to Deck the Hall Ball in Seattle. We drove over, got there at 3 and stayed until the end at 11 (Mumford and Sons was the headliner so of course we had to stay), and drove back over the pass getting home around 3am. Brutal.

I'm happy to say I've gotten older and wiser! This year we drove over, got a hotel in Issaquah, had a decent nights sleep before getting Luke back in time for his 10am college final. However, stamina is NOT there. When I got home this am, my plan was to go for a long run, but first I needed and hour and a half nap (then all was good).

Almost 24 hours later my hearing is finally coming back to my left ear.

I cherish this time, I love that my almost 20 yearly son is ok going with his mom. He's such a cool kid. As he gets older and more independent I am so proud of him, but I miss him. I happen to really like the guy!

 

Fantastic line-up. Head and the Heart I can't see to get enough of!

 

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Holidays

Oh how I use to love them. There truly is something magical experiencing the holidays through your children's eyes. The decorating, the baking, the music, and holiday outfits, watching your kids excitement with your family. It's wonderful, no doubt.
Unfortunately a bit of that magic died when I got divorced. There's more of a sadness than excitement at times. The reality of divorce, in my case is from the time my children were 13 and 8 the holidays are now divided into even and odd years. One parent "gets" them for Thanksgiving even years the other for Christmas. It's horrible. The last couple years it's been easier for me to leave the country and have alone quality time with them than deal with the panic and anxiety the holidays bring. Let me be clear no one but myself causes the anxiety.  This year I had Thanksgiving, which I should be embracing fully because I won't be waking up Christmas morning with them and that is crushing. However I can't, instead all I could think is I have one more guaranteed Thanksgiving with my girl, two years from now. My parents, and sister haven't had a Thanksgiving with their grandkids/ nephews/nieces since 2010, because I also have a lovely new family I'd desperately like for my children to know. So not only are my holidays limited because of divorce but my family gets "jipped" as well, and that adds to my anxiety.
This is the reality of divorce folks. While my Ex's and my relationship has improved the last few years, I can't help but curse him out during these months. At times I actually hate him for breaking up our family and leaving us (he and I) without our children everyother holiday.   I love my life and do believe all the bad was just lessons to prepare me for really good!  There are just struggles I face with not being able to always be with my kids.
I know not everyone struggles this much, and some cope much better. I've truly tried to feel the excitement again, but even decorating the house for Christmas with my daughter is a reminder that she won't be waking up this year Christmas morning with her mom. We won't be doing our matching Pj's, bed hair and hot chocolate, sitting under blankets as we open stockings. It breaks my heart, not only for myself but for my children. This is their reality too. My daughter especially worries about the other parent when she's not with them.
I know as they get older this is how it goes, they will eventually have a significant other to share in their holidays to, but it's not how it's supposed to go when they are in your care, as you raise them. I am the custodial parent, I do the day in day out and see my child everyday other than everyother Saturday, but I'm telling you it doesn't lesson the sadness the holidays bring.
Sure we could "share" the day, but is that fair for the child either? To interrupt their day to vedge and enjoy and instead run to different households trying to fit it all in. My ex and I decided against that, and I do believe that is in the best interest of our children.
What we do is create a new normal, and with my small little family we are building new traditions. The love is always present, and I am acutely aware of how fast time goes, especially when you are counting by everyother year.
I guess my advice to those in relationships with children, that find themselves in moments of personal unhappiness, before you decide to look for the greener grass (that often is not there), think of the big picture, not just the now. Not all relationships can be saved, but perhaps if we paused more as a society rather than have that need for instant gratification some relationships would continue to grow. I know many couples that have worked past issues, and for that they are stronger.
I am lucky to have a partner in my life now that values family. Probably my biggest attraction to him was his love and commitment to his family and his willingness to commit and love mine. So with that, we carry on. We love and create new traditions, but he lets me mourn what was lost.
Those that have your families intact, don't take it for granted, enjoy each little moment!
Cheers

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