Most of the Time

Had a long conversation with one of my friends last night.  Just having a hard time.  Quite honestly it feels at this point and this much time past the divorce I should be used to things, but every once in a while I am angry.  Not that Lars and I aren't together, I don't miss that anymore, and wouldn't want that for myself.  Angry that I have a wonderful life, a wonderful man, a business, house, dogs, great friends all things that do make me happy, but no matter what something will always be broken in me, and that's that I don't get me kids everyday.  I don't get to choose when I want to go away for a weekend and where they will stay, I plan everything around those two weekends a month they are with their Dad, so I don't miss any other time with them.  I look ahead on the calendar to make sure they are with me this year for their birthday.  Christmas has a different feel, because I can't quite get as excited, because I have to share it. Angry that my parents get jipped on time with their grandkids.  These are things I can't change, and for the most part have adjusted, but every once in a while I am angry.
I've been feeling this way since vacation, thinking in order to take a week with my kids, I had to trade all kinds of time around, it became a series of email negotiations with my ex, just seems ridiculous!
Yesterday I got to see my Ex father in-law (who's is visiting Lars for a week) it was so good to see him, really good. And I have missed him too.  I've always had a good relationship with him and his wife and yesterday I was truly sad that in some degree after being family for over 14 years, and I still love them both dearly and care about them, but that too was taken from me.
The impact of divorce is not just to the immediate family it is far reaching to all those around.  I know my parents were hurt by Lars.  They loved and accepted him as family for over 16 years, when he got up and just walked out on everyone. 
I don't wish that I didn't care so much, because my kids are the most important thing in my life, and I am truly appalled when Moms are so complacent with their time, but I do wish at times I was better at handling it.
Thank you to my dear dear friend that talked me through tears late last night.  Can't say how nice it is to have an understanding ear to know I can call anytime.  Love you!