An Adult

18. How in the world did it go this fast? It's truly bittersweet, but more sweet. My heart has an ache that I blinked and your youth was over. At the same time, I am in awe of you every single day, and so proud of the child you were and the young adult you are becoming.

That day 18 years ago, went a little like this (better tell it before I forget it). Your due date was April 27th, so while at work on April 10th with ridiculous back pain it didn't really cross my mind that I might be in labor, more so that I was being a huge wuss and I better suck up the discomfort now because I'd be in a world of hurt in three weeks!

I went home and after my mom urging I called the clinic, they put my mind to ease that it was highly unlikely I was in labor, likely Braxton Hicks contractions. Needless to say the pain got worse so I paged your Dad (yep, that's what we did in 1997, before a cell phone). I didn't hear from him for a while (again because it's unlikely I am in labor). He shows up, again at the urging of my Mom we went to the hospital, I told her we'd call in a bit. We arrive at 7:40, by now I feel like crap, and little did I know my parents decided they better head over too. I can hardly walk my back hurt so bad, there's no way I can check in, so they got a room for me and brought the papers to Lars, after checking me and I am dilated to a 9 or 10 (see I've forgotten) it's go time apparently. My doctor was there for a scheduled c section so he put that on hold broke my water and you were delivered at 8:08 pm, 28 minutes after walking into the hospital.

Quite honestly it was awesome. The love that I felt in that moment for you was the most intense, protective love I have ever felt in my life. A couple hours later there was a "problem", you stopped breathing, for the second time. Within in a couple hours I felt the strongest love possible and all of a sudden the most fear I had ever felt in my life. After 3 days and a cat scan, it was determined you had a sub dermal hematoma caused from the fast birth hitting your head on the way out, you would be fine. I vowed then and there I would always have you close by, and protect you with my life.

There has been ups and downs in the last 18 years in my personal life, but the one constant was you. Your Dad came and went a few times, but I thank God everyday he never fought me on where you lived. This is something looking back I appreciate immensely. We grew up together. We cut things out early in life, material things, so we could live simply and appreciate using our minds and searching for adventure. You motivated me in my professional and personal life, you are the reason (and your sister), everyday I want to be a better person than the last. You are one truly amazing gift, and while I hate the time has flown by, I have enjoyed every single moment being your mom and raising you. Now I look forward to what this new chapter will bring, and what my role in it will be.

 

I love you, to the sun, moon, stars beyond and back and much much more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Soon

I'll be back to blogging soon! Spent the last week hurrying to read this book (with Joey of course), so I would be prepared to meet the author. Highly recommend this beautiful story.

 

This is one of those books that makes an impact in yourself, long after reading it.

 

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Scenes

Sometimes life is too busy to write about, but there's always time to capture it with photos. Here's the last week:

 

These two, I love them both so much.

 

This is a regular occurrence. Kaiser has always ridden around town with me, but in the cargo area of my car. Joey, well he's a little fella that likes the passenger side.

We also think he is the cutest thing in the whole world when he wakes up from a nap and smiles

Because Obie is 13 and cries non stop in the car, and Kaiser at 8 1/2 his arthritis is preventing him from any steep hikes, I took Joey on his first long hike (6 miles) up Sauers Mtn. He was awesome, and I think he liked it.

Two things about this picture. First and foremost Lo got on her road bike last week and biked from our house around the riverfront loop, I have to say she was pretty natural on it. I was impressed with her, and she seemed to really enjoy it (with only one minor mishap, a darn pole), so looking forward to more rides with her. Second her Dad joined us. It was definitely a little odd and very unconventional, but our daughter was and is so happy there's been a change in our relationship, to now a mutual understanding of each other. Certainly makes life a lot more pleasant when we can communicate and co parent together.

Took my mom to Mamma Mia for her birthday. My third and Lo's second time seeing it, definitely in my top 5 favorite Broadway plays!

We are a day away from more of the foothills trails opening, but Sunday I set out from my front door and ran to SaddleRock, did my beyond run that parallels number two canyon and decided to run down the trail the other side to Jacobson. It was invorgerating, it was just over 10 miles and yet felt shorter than my normal 5 mile run. We are so lucky here to have an organization that purchases the foothills and designates the space for trails.

 

 

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On Track

I have a couple more years until I reach forty, so coming across this article now seemed fitting. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/03/15-things-every-woman-should-do-by-40/

I don't dread forty. I'm surrounded by some pretty amazing woman in their forties I look up to and admire. My twenties felt chaotic, my thirties thusfar enlightening, if we keep on this trend the next decade should prove to be pretty good.

15 before 40

Here's Margaret's list, with my thoughts and reflections.

Change careers at least once.

Between the ages of 20 and now (37). I have been a barista, high school tennis coach, flight attendant and business owner. I loved all of these jobs, and they all lead me to the conclusion that I would never be suited for a job that would require me to sit at a desk. I've been at the current job for 12 years, so at some point and time there will likely be a change again.

Do something "crazy."

I am working this. When I think of "crazy" I think of taking risks that might not pay off. I'm not a big gambler with my life, or the well being of it. However I have a strong desire to sell everything at one point and move to Hawaii.....so who knows

Live within our means.

I can say I have done a very good job at this. The only debt I seem to get into is if my business needs a new machine and am forced to fork out the cost of a used car. I don't care to shop, and when I do it's to purchase only what's necessary, I drive a pretty boring yet, paid for and highly functional car, I choose to spend what extra I do have on travel, and even there I am frugal, getting the most for my time and money.

Learn to be comfortable in our own skin.

I hit this point after an all time low 8 years ago. I like who I am. I know what my values, morals and priorities are. I only say yes when I want to and entirely comfortable saying no, now.

Be glamorous.

This is an area I can improve upon. I think because of the previous question I often do not put much effort into my appearance beyond what I like, which is pretty plain, simple and often involves my workout clothes.

Don't worry for my wedding if I don't do boho I will glam it up a bit!

Chase a dream.

Hmmmm, I need to work on the finances for that. It would be to travel the world. In theory I did that once and got paid to do so, perhaps it's time to revaluate and do it again.

The other dream would be to adopt a child, but my fiancé is my dream crusher in that area!

Visit another country.

What better way to gain perspective on who you are and your place in the world than by getting out there and seeing it! (This is Margaret's reply, but I like it and will go with it)

Step out of our comfort zone.

I should do this more often. Being ok doing things on my own. I've realized I alone am responsible for accomplishing what I want. I enjoy traveling and hiking with my kids, but have always done it with my partner, it was unnerving to start doing this on my own, now I love it.

Find a cause.

I've got two years, this will be near the top of my list

Make and live by a "soul mate wish list."

Being married AND divorced, this is am important one. When I think of my list and I think of my fiancé, he is what I want and desire. My list is long, and I've reserved the right to be picky at this point in my life.

Learn not to settle.

I know what I want out of life.

Start over—completely.

I did that, and survived. When my husband walked out, I was forced to reevaluate and start over. I don't wish that upon anyone, but it taught me some of the greatest lessons in my life.

Love with complete abandon.

I remember my first love in life telling me several years later, that I held back. He never knew what I thought or felt. I took this to heart and have worked for almost the last two decades on putting myself out there. Opening my heart, with the possibility of getting hurt, but realizing it is so much rewarding to experience a full true authentic love than one that is a facade.

Tell someone exactly how you feel.

Sometimes to a fault......

Write your story…a story. Just write!

Women our age have amazing stories to tell about life and love and all of our amazing experiences. Write it down. (Again this is Margaret's, but I agree)!

As woman I think we can benefit and learn from the stories of others. Lord knows that's what has carried me through the hard time, and truly inspired me in the good times.

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Call It What You May

I don't use the word perfect often, because lord knows I am far from it. Nor do I want my kids to feel they need to achieve perfection. It's subjective, to me they are just as they should be and I wouldn't change a thing. However right now, as in this very moment life feels pretty close to perfect. That's a tad scary to say, like jinxing yourself, waiting for the other shoe to fall. So we'll step it back a bit, it's darn near perfect in this moment (always leave room for improvement).

My son had his last High School Tolo, he has recently decided to stay here and go to the community college for the next two years. I am great with that, his Dads great with that and it has given my son some peace and taken some pressure off of him. I know he is bright and creative, I know he is unsure of how he wants to use his talents. I am proud of him for this decision.

 

Lo is happy and involved in school.

I have some pretty great relationship all around in my life. All that I love, value and cherish.

 

I could be a better business owner, but I'm kind of happy right where I am at! And well, our three dogs, one cat and now one rat are all doing quite well. Certainly may look chaotic, and who am I kidding in all likelyhood it is, but we are going with it and happy!

 

 

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Dance Competition

Last weekend Lo and I drove to Coeur d' Alene, ID for her first Elite team dance competition.

I was apprehensive, and nervous. This isn't my thing, I've never done something like this and it's entirely outside my comfort level, yet I was the one responsible for getting her to and from in time with full hair (teased, curled, straightened, teased) and makeup (fake eyelashes and all) done. I didn't want to let her down. This was her moment/weekend, something she put herself out there for a year ago and tried out, has worked hard and was so excited. I think I did ok, and she did truly amazing!

5:30 am this is what we were doing. I'm a morning person, but fake eye lashes before coffee, that's a challenge!

 

The only downside was I was hit with the wicked cold Friday am, driving over was miserable and while I loved watching Lo perform I felt like crap so I found a couch outside the upstairs auditorium, by an outlet and would hang there with my Kleenex and program and listen for the next numbers. I don't think it took away from her time, I was just wiped!

 

Her tap scored a ruby, her hip hop a diamond, plus best overall in that group, and opening scored a diamond and best overall. (I learned what all the gems stood for that weekend )

 

 

So very proud of this girl. The way she carries herself and her confidence in her ability is a lesson we could all learn from.

Dare I say I am actually looking forward to the next one!

 

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4 Years

Last Sunday marked four years since my divorce was final. What do you know, it does get easier! I didn't even remember until later in the evening, and when I did it wasn't sadness but absolute gratitude to my friends and family. The love and support they gave me in the months leading to my husband leaving, their unwavering support of me as we learned of a friends betrayal.  They were there the day and night it was finalized, three showed up to court and the others all gathered that evening as we cried, laughed, drank and toasted the future. They were there every Wednesday and everyother weekend for months when my kids would go to their Dads. They were there through transitions of the last few years, enduring more crazy times, but even more happier, joyful times. They showed me what love is. This year March 1st was a year to reflect on the blessings.

In the last four years, I have found myself again. I have had opportunities with my children I would not have had otherwise. I found a man that calms, loves and understands me. Friends that I will grow old with. A bonus this year was to have the opportunity to have conversations with my Ex. To gain a level of understanding from him and to share with him my feelings. I have welcomed his participation back into my kids life, easing my life tremendously. My kids are well adjusted. I have one graduating high school this year and very much looking forward to him taking steps towards creating his future. Excited that I will be likely chasing the school activities of one child. For all this I am grateful.

This is an exciting time, and it's feels very good and very right to be in this exact place.

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